Monday, 29 March 2010

My nurture?

My Nurture

I first realised the sexual side to these activities when i was 13. I was home from school early as normal and playing the dice game. I was spending 30 mins in the garage wearing my pants, and with wrists and ankles tied in my amateur fashion.
And my Uncle came home from work early. I was embarrassed, scared, and horrified. He found me in the garage like that. I was terrified he would tell my aunt and my friends. He was visibly aroused and said it was fine - he didnt mind me doing things like that at all.

I was very close to my uncle and we talked a lot about sex, relationships, fetishes, boys, girls etc etc. It may seem odd discussing this with a man. But he was the only person i was close to. And he had kept my secret re the garage so I trusted him completely. Some may see elements of this as abuse, but I would like to be very very very clear I see that as not being the case whatsoever. My uncle is the only figure from my childhood that I am still in touch with.

My First Boyfriend

I was 15, he was 28. I was an attractive girl and knew it so had one of the "cool" boyfriends who was older, had money, had a car.... He was the one who took my virginity. He was the one who told me "you know what all the cool girls do? they let their boyfriends handcuff them for sex". He was the one who was surprised when i said "cool". He was the one who started my full on sexual adventure of sex, bondage, fucking, submission.

At 16 I won a modelling competition in a local newspaper and came 3rd in one with a national paper. I got a modelling contract. And very gladly that allowed me to escape from education - lets just say I am not the most academic person!

Understanding BDSM is about more than just sex

I was a lucky girl. At 16 I had a modelling contract. At 18 i went to work in Japan modelling. I was not stupid but not bright. I was earning more than all my school friends and travelling across the world when most of them had been no further than Costa del Sol. I was happy.

I met Chen when i was 18 and modelling in Tokyo, he was a professional photographer working on a shoot I was doing with a local department store, we got on really well, went out for a few drinks, and had sex that very night in my hotel room. He was only the 6th man i had had sex with. Over the coming weeks we saw each other all the time, and on my first visit to his home he was cooking and I wandered into his study and saw his shibari photos on the wall. They were beautiful women in beautiful bondage.

I had never really seen anything like it before and was fascinated - he was a little embarrassed as they were hung in a room he had not expected me to go into. But he was excited when he saw how much i liked them so we talked lots about bondage then. I told him what I had done with boyfriends (handcuffs, scarves, ropes etc) and told him things I had told no-one else about my past, my thoughts, and my secrets.

I had never been so open with anyone in my life. In turn he told me about his experiences - fetish parties, bondage being more than just sex, how he liked to treat women but how this could be good for a woman also. Things went on from there, we fell in love, experimented with bondage and submission and got deeper and deeper into it - i would still work and live a life as normal but often be naked at home, i would be tied just for show rather than for sex. He would sometimes spank me hard and make me do chores. I loved him and loved being with him.

BDSM became the predominant part of our sex life even before we married which we did when i was 19. 6 months later for Chen's 35th birthday I asked him what he would like for a present, and that was, effectively, the day my life changed and I started to understand the difference between a fetish and a lifestyle. He said he would like to take the relationship to the next level and try TPE and a 24x7 relationship
I wasnt entirely sure but I agreed to give it a go, and we signed a contract agreeing that I would be "his" for a period of time...

I hadnt really realised how intense this would be. There were chains and nudity, confinement and humiliation, training and punishment. It was more than sex. It was more than service. It was trying a new lifestlye and way of being. I won't lie - i found it incredibly hard. I had doubts. There were times I despised and hated it. There were times I loved it. I loved how happy it made Chen. At times it was so erotically charged I felt I would explode. At others I doubted why i had ever agreed to it. It was a roller coaster for sure.... The strangest realisation came to me after a few weeks tho. And this may seem strange and odd to some people...

At times I had never felt so free.... I have always been a bit useless and relied on others. I suffered from depression and bad moods quite easily. And that was normally when there were problems in my life I did not know how to handle, cope with, address or tackle. The freedom i found was simple - I didn't have to make decisions about anything. That release from responsibility was quite enlightening and refreshing...

I had never experienced anything like it. I was kept permanently naked and tied, i was not allowed to speak without being spoken to, not allowed to look him in the eyes, rarely allowed to sleep in a bed, did all the house chores and often had to eat from a plate on the floor. I am sure there is more to tell.... But I am not sure what should remain private, and I think much of it should.... I am just keen to share my experience and thoughts with others....

It may help some people in similar positions to me.
It may raise questions about my life that you have.
It may puzzle or enlighten.
I am keen to know what people think...

H x


  1. How very interesting, and remarkably intense.

    I do think that much, perhaps most of it, should remain private because that is how it was created at the time...To reveal too many details, too quickly, could colour the past in unexpected ways?

  2. Charlie NoAngel30 March 2010 at 21:48

    Charlie NoAngel here from RE. First of all i want to thank you for the nice complimant you made to me on Re forum.
    Funny when you said that there should be more beutiful women that love domming other women; I have the opposite problem i have troble finding beutiful women that would like to be dominated by a woman. =)
    Well, anyway you seem to be a very intresting person and i dont say that to a lot of people.
    If you are ever in Gothenburg feel free to contact me. =)
    Lots of love
    Charlie NoAngel

  3. Do you plan to update more often or is the blog now moribund? That would be a pity since it has the makings of something special.

  4. Spanking is a good way of fulfilling salacious desirous. Thanks for describing with this beautiful and sexy spanking blog post.

  5. I think your sex blog is really best at all. Do provide some sexy babes snaps please to know more about you sex blog…

  6. Good to see you. There is everything that can increase intimacy in your relationships. Living out your fantasies is first thing.

  7. I love that feeling when you don't know what is going to happen. Yes, it could just end up being a crap date but it could also be amazing and potentially life-changing. Deep, I know, but if he was 'the one' it would alter things.