As a slave for so many years of my life I have lost count of the number of photos taken of me by previous owners, must be more than 10,000 and probably closer to 100,000! How the world has changed!! When I was in my teens I started modelling, and a major factor in the work of a good model was her "good click" rate - how many photos out of ten were good - eyes bright, mouth right, hair perfect. These days in the world of digital camera you dont worry about the cost of film so shoot thousands and you will get some beauts.... It makes it a very different world - and opens up modelling to so many more women. Great for guys and readers of mags like FHM, Zoo and Nuts but bad for old models like me!
Its tought enough getting work without your skills and experience meaning nothing when any 20 something can plop in front of a camera, take 1000 shots and then be made to look perfect in photo shop! God I am waffling. Didnt mean to talk about any of that. I should get off my high horse!!
Why I started was one of my big regrets. Over the years had some many shots of me taken in bondage in so many different forms. Wish i had copies of them to remind myself of my life. Most people have photos of them on a beach. Outside a museum. At a party. Mine would be different but I have lost that history of my life. Cant look back at the photos of me suspended from my ankles in the barn. Or the ones of me servicing 4 cocks at once. Or when i lived with a Master who had 3 other slaves and he arranged a "bondage olympics"! I often wonder where those photos are... My last Master had a hard drive with tens of thousands on it... I guess it either hit the bin when he died or fell into the hands of someone who probably just formatted it. What a waste!
But anyway - at last I have some new bondage photos courtesy of my boss! And am sharing on on my blog here with you.... Not as young firm lithe or flexible as I used to be.... What what do you think!?
x
Wednesday 23 June 2010
Sunday 30 May 2010
I am so sorry!!
The beauty of blogs is that they are meant to be regular updates... So I must apologies for this one remaining so static! Before you threaten to spank me ;-) I must offer up my reasons - my old decrepid laptop appears to be going to laptop heaven as the screen decided to stop working along with one row of the keys.... A very kind man from the pub is going to try and get me a new screen but I have just got it back for a day or two.....
So it's not really a laptop at the moment! He has lent me a small screen and a keyboard which are both plugged into my laptop.... He has said I dont need to pay him for the work, just the parts which is kind, and vindicates my dress sense at work and voracious flirting!! If I am being kind in return who knows, I may offer him a blow job ;-)
Actually that wouldnt be too much of a chore and I think is actually one of the reasons I know I am truly submissive by nature... A question someone asked me on formspring and a chat I had with another barmaid that I work with has made me think about this a little more... I think that blowjobs probably are a great test of submissive tendencies ;-)
On formspring I was asked what I would think of a world where saying thankyou with a blowjob was the norm... And my colleague (I will call her Rachel here) and i were talking about sex when she asked me "Sara, do you think it's weird, but I really really enjoy going down on a guy".....
I do love giving blow jobs for a few reasons I think. First and foremost is that one of the world's most satisfying things is kneeling on front of a man, taking his cock deep in your mouth, sucking, and looking up to see the most satisfied smile on his face. Its such a simple act but gives such immense pleasure and its really pleasing to know that I can be responsible for that. I love it and have ever since I was quite young. It really surprised my first boyfriend, dont think he had ever had a gf so eager for cock, but i used to try to suck it several times a day - sometimes he just had to say "enough!!". Secondly i actually, no lie, love the taste! And finally, and this is the one that scares me a little as it conflicts with every other inclination I have, its a feeling of power. For a short while with lips locked around the shaft and my tongue flicking over the head I have power and control... A feeling I am not very used to!
It's something I have discussed a few times with Rachel and she thinks of it in a similar way to me, so I plan to ask her today her thoughts on submission a little more.... Maybe I have found a kindred spirit!
Anyway. I have to go to work in just a moment. With any luck I may get to suck some cock in the cellar before my shift starts!!
I am away next week, going on a training course the brewery is running and the landlord has asked me to accompany him on ;-) so my first "holiday" for ages! Hence I wont be online, sorry, but promise to blog more often when I am home... Have a couple of great dice games to update you on - including lying cuffed and naked in a swimming pool changing room for several hours... thankfully in a locked cubicle so I didnt get into too much trouble ;-)
Much love
x
So it's not really a laptop at the moment! He has lent me a small screen and a keyboard which are both plugged into my laptop.... He has said I dont need to pay him for the work, just the parts which is kind, and vindicates my dress sense at work and voracious flirting!! If I am being kind in return who knows, I may offer him a blow job ;-)
Actually that wouldnt be too much of a chore and I think is actually one of the reasons I know I am truly submissive by nature... A question someone asked me on formspring and a chat I had with another barmaid that I work with has made me think about this a little more... I think that blowjobs probably are a great test of submissive tendencies ;-)
On formspring I was asked what I would think of a world where saying thankyou with a blowjob was the norm... And my colleague (I will call her Rachel here) and i were talking about sex when she asked me "Sara, do you think it's weird, but I really really enjoy going down on a guy".....
I do love giving blow jobs for a few reasons I think. First and foremost is that one of the world's most satisfying things is kneeling on front of a man, taking his cock deep in your mouth, sucking, and looking up to see the most satisfied smile on his face. Its such a simple act but gives such immense pleasure and its really pleasing to know that I can be responsible for that. I love it and have ever since I was quite young. It really surprised my first boyfriend, dont think he had ever had a gf so eager for cock, but i used to try to suck it several times a day - sometimes he just had to say "enough!!". Secondly i actually, no lie, love the taste! And finally, and this is the one that scares me a little as it conflicts with every other inclination I have, its a feeling of power. For a short while with lips locked around the shaft and my tongue flicking over the head I have power and control... A feeling I am not very used to!
It's something I have discussed a few times with Rachel and she thinks of it in a similar way to me, so I plan to ask her today her thoughts on submission a little more.... Maybe I have found a kindred spirit!
Anyway. I have to go to work in just a moment. With any luck I may get to suck some cock in the cellar before my shift starts!!
I am away next week, going on a training course the brewery is running and the landlord has asked me to accompany him on ;-) so my first "holiday" for ages! Hence I wont be online, sorry, but promise to blog more often when I am home... Have a couple of great dice games to update you on - including lying cuffed and naked in a swimming pool changing room for several hours... thankfully in a locked cubicle so I didnt get into too much trouble ;-)
Much love
x
Monday 10 May 2010
The Dice Game Begins again!!
Well this last week has seen me return to my youth. My first ever experience of bondage and submission in it's truest sense was when i submitted to chance and the roll of 4 plastic cubes... And as you may have seen from my latest blog I have decided to give that a go again!!
So I thought it was only fair that I gave you an update on what I rolled and what happened ;-) the outcome of my first roll was:
Dice 1: 5 (only underwear)
Dice 2: 5 (park / wood)
Dice 3: 1 (cuffed behind back)
Dice 4: 2 (25 minutes)
Challenging but not terrifying i went out and did this on my way to work on Thursday eve last week... From the pokey little bedsit where I live its about a 20 minute walk to work so i set off an hour and a quarter early and diverted via Greenwich Park...... Down to the side of the observatory there is a lovely little wooded area where I often go to walk, nice and discreet but not in the middle of no where!!
I arrived there just after 7pm, removed my skirt and blouse to leave just the lacey black M&S underwear I had one.... In case I needed to make a quick escape I folder my clothes and placed them in my bag... By now my heart was racing, I dont know why because in my life I have done several much more daring and scary things, but there was something different in this. I was on my own. It was my choice to do this. In effect I was doing it to myself. There was no big strong man there if i was spotted. So in a way it was worse.... If I had been with a guy at least it could look like a silly sex game. But there i was on my tod.....
But there was no hesitation - I set my alarm for 25 minutes, quickly cuffed myself behind my back in my favourite pair of metal clejuso cuffs and stood there proudly... Was all rather eventful for the first 10 mins or so until I heard a dog barking... In the distance between the trees i did see a man walking it, so for the next 5 minutes anyone behind me would have seen teh rather odd sight of a 30 something supposedly mature woman shuffling behind a tree to keep out of sight. A rather odd game of hide and seek....
So, dice game one accomplished. It would be terribly cliche ridden to describe the state of my knickers. So I won't! But I will tell you that that night I was so darned horny at work that after my shift finished I had the longest best night of shagging I have had in the last 9 months since I became single!!
God. I am am awful writer. Sorry. Just reread that and it's so dull!! Any ideas on what I can do to improve it? Please help me!! English lit was my worst subject at school by far.........
So there we go. The dice game is now part of my life again. And a very kind follower of my blog has helped refine it further to the final version I have listed below. And I dont want any of you to think I cheat so I will ask this very kind follower to randonly generate 5 new dice numbers as a roll to challenge me today and post the results, and resultant challenge, as a comment on this blog!!
Dice 1 - What to wear
1) Jeans & Jumper
2) Bare Feet
3) Just a dress
4) Corset and Heels
5) Only Underwear
6) Totally Nude
Dice 2 - Where to be
1) On Public Transport
2) In the Pub where you work
3) In a Shop Changing Room.
4) At the Gymn / Swimming Pool
5) In a Public Park / wood
6) At a Friends house
Dice 3 - Bondage / Position Part A
1) Hands Cuffed Behind Back.
2) Hands Cuffed to an immovable object.
3) Hands Cuffed between Legs
4) Hands Cuffed between Legs
5) Cuffed to another person
6) Wearing Rope Web / Harness (Must be worn visably)
Dice 4 - Bondage / Position Part B
1) Ankles Cuffed / Tied together
2) Ankles in Spreader Bar
3) Standing in corner facing wall
4) On Floor in fetal position.
5) Lying down
6) Kneeling
Dice 5 - How long to stay like that for
1) 10 mins
2) 25 Mins
3) 45 Mins
4) 1.5 Hours
5) 3 Hours
6) 6 Hours
Much love
H x
So I thought it was only fair that I gave you an update on what I rolled and what happened ;-) the outcome of my first roll was:
Dice 1: 5 (only underwear)
Dice 2: 5 (park / wood)
Dice 3: 1 (cuffed behind back)
Dice 4: 2 (25 minutes)
Challenging but not terrifying i went out and did this on my way to work on Thursday eve last week... From the pokey little bedsit where I live its about a 20 minute walk to work so i set off an hour and a quarter early and diverted via Greenwich Park...... Down to the side of the observatory there is a lovely little wooded area where I often go to walk, nice and discreet but not in the middle of no where!!
I arrived there just after 7pm, removed my skirt and blouse to leave just the lacey black M&S underwear I had one.... In case I needed to make a quick escape I folder my clothes and placed them in my bag... By now my heart was racing, I dont know why because in my life I have done several much more daring and scary things, but there was something different in this. I was on my own. It was my choice to do this. In effect I was doing it to myself. There was no big strong man there if i was spotted. So in a way it was worse.... If I had been with a guy at least it could look like a silly sex game. But there i was on my tod.....
But there was no hesitation - I set my alarm for 25 minutes, quickly cuffed myself behind my back in my favourite pair of metal clejuso cuffs and stood there proudly... Was all rather eventful for the first 10 mins or so until I heard a dog barking... In the distance between the trees i did see a man walking it, so for the next 5 minutes anyone behind me would have seen teh rather odd sight of a 30 something supposedly mature woman shuffling behind a tree to keep out of sight. A rather odd game of hide and seek....
So, dice game one accomplished. It would be terribly cliche ridden to describe the state of my knickers. So I won't! But I will tell you that that night I was so darned horny at work that after my shift finished I had the longest best night of shagging I have had in the last 9 months since I became single!!
God. I am am awful writer. Sorry. Just reread that and it's so dull!! Any ideas on what I can do to improve it? Please help me!! English lit was my worst subject at school by far.........
So there we go. The dice game is now part of my life again. And a very kind follower of my blog has helped refine it further to the final version I have listed below. And I dont want any of you to think I cheat so I will ask this very kind follower to randonly generate 5 new dice numbers as a roll to challenge me today and post the results, and resultant challenge, as a comment on this blog!!
Dice 1 - What to wear
1) Jeans & Jumper
2) Bare Feet
3) Just a dress
4) Corset and Heels
5) Only Underwear
6) Totally Nude
Dice 2 - Where to be
1) On Public Transport
2) In the Pub where you work
3) In a Shop Changing Room.
4) At the Gymn / Swimming Pool
5) In a Public Park / wood
6) At a Friends house
Dice 3 - Bondage / Position Part A
1) Hands Cuffed Behind Back.
2) Hands Cuffed to an immovable object.
3) Hands Cuffed between Legs
4) Hands Cuffed between Legs
5) Cuffed to another person
6) Wearing Rope Web / Harness (Must be worn visably)
Dice 4 - Bondage / Position Part B
1) Ankles Cuffed / Tied together
2) Ankles in Spreader Bar
3) Standing in corner facing wall
4) On Floor in fetal position.
5) Lying down
6) Kneeling
Dice 5 - How long to stay like that for
1) 10 mins
2) 25 Mins
3) 45 Mins
4) 1.5 Hours
5) 3 Hours
6) 6 Hours
Much love
H x
Thursday 6 May 2010
Thursday 6th May
It's General Election Day. I have just voted!! Have you?
As the nation puts it's trust in the vote of the electorate I place my trust in the decisions of 4 dice ;-) following my last blog "Sheep" kindly suggested the following combinations......
Dice 1 - What to wear
1) Jeans & Jumper
2) Bare Feet
3) Just a dress
4) Corset and Heels
5) Only Underwear
6) Totally Nude
Dice 2 - Where to be
1) On Public Transport
2) In the Pub where you work
3) In a Shop Changing Room.
4) At the Gymn / Swimming Pool
5) In a Public Park / wood
6) At a Friends house
Dice 3 - How to be positioned / tied
1) Hands Cuffed Behind Back.
2) Cuffed to an immovable object.
3) Rope Web / Harness
4) On Floor in fetal position.
5) Hobbled
6) Cuffed to another person
Dice 4 - How long to stay like that for
1) 10 mins
2) 25 Mins
3) 45 Mins
4) 1.5 Hours
5) 3 Hours
6) 6 Hours
So here we go. You will have to trust me, and i swear I am putting my faith in the 4 dice. The only thing that scares me is if i roll Dice 1 as 6 (naked) and Dice 2 as 1 (public transport) as that could well get me arrested. Not sure what i will do if that happens!!! Either I will chicken out completely or i will wait for a night bus and cower on the top floor....... Gulp!!
So. Here goes.
Dice 1: 5 (only underwear)
Dice 2: 5 (park / wood)
Dice 3: 1 (cuffed behind back)
Dice 4: 2 (25 minutes)
Wow. Some may think that's tough. But I am a bit relieved!! I will go out now and obey the dice....... Wish me luck....... Will tell you how it goes later!!!
One thought........ If I had a 5th or a 6th dice what could it signify??
H xx
As the nation puts it's trust in the vote of the electorate I place my trust in the decisions of 4 dice ;-) following my last blog "Sheep" kindly suggested the following combinations......
Dice 1 - What to wear
1) Jeans & Jumper
2) Bare Feet
3) Just a dress
4) Corset and Heels
5) Only Underwear
6) Totally Nude
Dice 2 - Where to be
1) On Public Transport
2) In the Pub where you work
3) In a Shop Changing Room.
4) At the Gymn / Swimming Pool
5) In a Public Park / wood
6) At a Friends house
Dice 3 - How to be positioned / tied
1) Hands Cuffed Behind Back.
2) Cuffed to an immovable object.
3) Rope Web / Harness
4) On Floor in fetal position.
5) Hobbled
6) Cuffed to another person
Dice 4 - How long to stay like that for
1) 10 mins
2) 25 Mins
3) 45 Mins
4) 1.5 Hours
5) 3 Hours
6) 6 Hours
So here we go. You will have to trust me, and i swear I am putting my faith in the 4 dice. The only thing that scares me is if i roll Dice 1 as 6 (naked) and Dice 2 as 1 (public transport) as that could well get me arrested. Not sure what i will do if that happens!!! Either I will chicken out completely or i will wait for a night bus and cower on the top floor....... Gulp!!
So. Here goes.
Dice 1: 5 (only underwear)
Dice 2: 5 (park / wood)
Dice 3: 1 (cuffed behind back)
Dice 4: 2 (25 minutes)
Wow. Some may think that's tough. But I am a bit relieved!! I will go out now and obey the dice....... Wish me luck....... Will tell you how it goes later!!!
One thought........ If I had a 5th or a 6th dice what could it signify??
H xx
Wednesday 5 May 2010
Who wants to play a game!?
If you look back to my blog of March 17th, you will see "The Dice Game"........ Nowadays this feels a little childish to me, but I had a thought this morning, I realised it was childish because it was self domination as I choose the consequences for each number on the dice..... I wondered if it would be scarier and indeed more thrilling if others, perhaps those reading my blog, chose the consequences of each dice roll for me.....
So if anyone is interested I will committ to giving it a go!! I need 6 consequences for 4 dice..........
So let me know what you think I should select for
DICE 1 - What to wear:
1: Fully clothed in shoes, jeans, shirt and jumper
2: your suggestion
3: your suggestion
4: your suggestion
5: your suggestion
6: Completely and totally nude
DICE 2 - Where (what location) to be in? When I was a child this was places like in my bed, or wardrobe, to in the woods or garage
1: your suggestion
2: your suggestion
3: your suggestion
4: your suggestion
5: your suggestion
6: your suggestion
DICE 3 - How to be tied or how to position myself. When I was a child this was things like i would have to position myself from standing, kneeling or lying down (1, 2, 3) to having my bike lock wrapped around my feel (4), wrists self tied with dressing gown cord (5) or ankles and wrists as before (6)
1: your suggestion
2: your suggestion
3: your suggestion
4: your suggestion
5: your suggestion
6: your suggestion
DICE 4 - How long to stay like that? As a child this went from 10 mins to 60 mins.
1: your suggestion
2: your suggestion
3: your suggestion
4: your suggestion
5: your suggestion
6: your suggestion
Let me know what you think ;-)
H x
So if anyone is interested I will committ to giving it a go!! I need 6 consequences for 4 dice..........
So let me know what you think I should select for
DICE 1 - What to wear:
1: Fully clothed in shoes, jeans, shirt and jumper
2: your suggestion
3: your suggestion
4: your suggestion
5: your suggestion
6: Completely and totally nude
DICE 2 - Where (what location) to be in? When I was a child this was places like in my bed, or wardrobe, to in the woods or garage
1: your suggestion
2: your suggestion
3: your suggestion
4: your suggestion
5: your suggestion
6: your suggestion
DICE 3 - How to be tied or how to position myself. When I was a child this was things like i would have to position myself from standing, kneeling or lying down (1, 2, 3) to having my bike lock wrapped around my feel (4), wrists self tied with dressing gown cord (5) or ankles and wrists as before (6)
1: your suggestion
2: your suggestion
3: your suggestion
4: your suggestion
5: your suggestion
6: your suggestion
DICE 4 - How long to stay like that? As a child this went from 10 mins to 60 mins.
1: your suggestion
2: your suggestion
3: your suggestion
4: your suggestion
5: your suggestion
6: your suggestion
Let me know what you think ;-)
H x
Sorry.......... I am awful!
I started this blog off with such good intentions. And then kinda scared myself a bit...... found that I was sharing a lot of my history and background and experience but worrying about how heavily to censor and edit it..... It's a tough choice really as I am in no way ashamed of bdsm or my submission or anything I have done in my life. In fact one of the reasons that I wanted to blog so much was that I wanted to help demystify it and share from a female sub perspective what can be beautiful about bdsm. So many people think its "wrong", "perverted", a "fetish of wierdos". It's not. And I want to say it's not.
And I want to share this message as widely as I can. Therefore I have published the link to this blog on my facebook page. And that's probably what scared me. A lot of my friends know about my kinks and open views on sex. Hell most of them do. But most are real world friends with limited personal experience of bdsm. And in my life my experiences have been intense. So I was worried about sharing them too widely and freaking people out.
Silly I know. I am what I am. So I am back. But I have made a compromise about my blog. I love discussing my life's experiences to date with friends and anyone who is interested. But i will probably keep those conversations for over a bottle of wine, on email, or on msn. I won't broadcast here some of the more depraved things I have done in the past. I am going to start afresh. And talk about my life now. What I am doing. What I enjoy. How submission affects my every day life. From the simple little things. To those complex decisions which i wrestle with. Does that make sense?
Please let me know. I really want to know what you think. And if you like my blog. Please spread the word...... I would love more followers!!
With love,
H x
And I want to share this message as widely as I can. Therefore I have published the link to this blog on my facebook page. And that's probably what scared me. A lot of my friends know about my kinks and open views on sex. Hell most of them do. But most are real world friends with limited personal experience of bdsm. And in my life my experiences have been intense. So I was worried about sharing them too widely and freaking people out.
Silly I know. I am what I am. So I am back. But I have made a compromise about my blog. I love discussing my life's experiences to date with friends and anyone who is interested. But i will probably keep those conversations for over a bottle of wine, on email, or on msn. I won't broadcast here some of the more depraved things I have done in the past. I am going to start afresh. And talk about my life now. What I am doing. What I enjoy. How submission affects my every day life. From the simple little things. To those complex decisions which i wrestle with. Does that make sense?
Please let me know. I really want to know what you think. And if you like my blog. Please spread the word...... I would love more followers!!
With love,
H x
Monday 29 March 2010
My nurture?
My Nurture
I first realised the sexual side to these activities when i was 13. I was home from school early as normal and playing the dice game. I was spending 30 mins in the garage wearing my pants, and with wrists and ankles tied in my amateur fashion.
And my Uncle came home from work early. I was embarrassed, scared, and horrified. He found me in the garage like that. I was terrified he would tell my aunt and my friends. He was visibly aroused and said it was fine - he didnt mind me doing things like that at all.
I was very close to my uncle and we talked a lot about sex, relationships, fetishes, boys, girls etc etc. It may seem odd discussing this with a man. But he was the only person i was close to. And he had kept my secret re the garage so I trusted him completely. Some may see elements of this as abuse, but I would like to be very very very clear I see that as not being the case whatsoever. My uncle is the only figure from my childhood that I am still in touch with.
My First Boyfriend
I was 15, he was 28. I was an attractive girl and knew it so had one of the "cool" boyfriends who was older, had money, had a car.... He was the one who took my virginity. He was the one who told me "you know what all the cool girls do? they let their boyfriends handcuff them for sex". He was the one who was surprised when i said "cool". He was the one who started my full on sexual adventure of sex, bondage, fucking, submission.
At 16 I won a modelling competition in a local newspaper and came 3rd in one with a national paper. I got a modelling contract. And very gladly that allowed me to escape from education - lets just say I am not the most academic person!
Understanding BDSM is about more than just sex
I was a lucky girl. At 16 I had a modelling contract. At 18 i went to work in Japan modelling. I was not stupid but not bright. I was earning more than all my school friends and travelling across the world when most of them had been no further than Costa del Sol. I was happy.
I met Chen when i was 18 and modelling in Tokyo, he was a professional photographer working on a shoot I was doing with a local department store, we got on really well, went out for a few drinks, and had sex that very night in my hotel room. He was only the 6th man i had had sex with. Over the coming weeks we saw each other all the time, and on my first visit to his home he was cooking and I wandered into his study and saw his shibari photos on the wall. They were beautiful women in beautiful bondage.
I had never really seen anything like it before and was fascinated - he was a little embarrassed as they were hung in a room he had not expected me to go into. But he was excited when he saw how much i liked them so we talked lots about bondage then. I told him what I had done with boyfriends (handcuffs, scarves, ropes etc) and told him things I had told no-one else about my past, my thoughts, and my secrets.
I had never been so open with anyone in my life. In turn he told me about his experiences - fetish parties, bondage being more than just sex, how he liked to treat women but how this could be good for a woman also. Things went on from there, we fell in love, experimented with bondage and submission and got deeper and deeper into it - i would still work and live a life as normal but often be naked at home, i would be tied just for show rather than for sex. He would sometimes spank me hard and make me do chores. I loved him and loved being with him.
BDSM became the predominant part of our sex life even before we married which we did when i was 19. 6 months later for Chen's 35th birthday I asked him what he would like for a present, and that was, effectively, the day my life changed and I started to understand the difference between a fetish and a lifestyle. He said he would like to take the relationship to the next level and try TPE and a 24x7 relationship
I wasnt entirely sure but I agreed to give it a go, and we signed a contract agreeing that I would be "his" for a period of time...
I hadnt really realised how intense this would be. There were chains and nudity, confinement and humiliation, training and punishment. It was more than sex. It was more than service. It was trying a new lifestlye and way of being. I won't lie - i found it incredibly hard. I had doubts. There were times I despised and hated it. There were times I loved it. I loved how happy it made Chen. At times it was so erotically charged I felt I would explode. At others I doubted why i had ever agreed to it. It was a roller coaster for sure.... The strangest realisation came to me after a few weeks tho. And this may seem strange and odd to some people...
At times I had never felt so free.... I have always been a bit useless and relied on others. I suffered from depression and bad moods quite easily. And that was normally when there were problems in my life I did not know how to handle, cope with, address or tackle. The freedom i found was simple - I didn't have to make decisions about anything. That release from responsibility was quite enlightening and refreshing...
I had never experienced anything like it. I was kept permanently naked and tied, i was not allowed to speak without being spoken to, not allowed to look him in the eyes, rarely allowed to sleep in a bed, did all the house chores and often had to eat from a plate on the floor. I am sure there is more to tell.... But I am not sure what should remain private, and I think much of it should.... I am just keen to share my experience and thoughts with others....
It may help some people in similar positions to me.
It may raise questions about my life that you have.
It may puzzle or enlighten.
I am keen to know what people think...
H x
I first realised the sexual side to these activities when i was 13. I was home from school early as normal and playing the dice game. I was spending 30 mins in the garage wearing my pants, and with wrists and ankles tied in my amateur fashion.
And my Uncle came home from work early. I was embarrassed, scared, and horrified. He found me in the garage like that. I was terrified he would tell my aunt and my friends. He was visibly aroused and said it was fine - he didnt mind me doing things like that at all.
I was very close to my uncle and we talked a lot about sex, relationships, fetishes, boys, girls etc etc. It may seem odd discussing this with a man. But he was the only person i was close to. And he had kept my secret re the garage so I trusted him completely. Some may see elements of this as abuse, but I would like to be very very very clear I see that as not being the case whatsoever. My uncle is the only figure from my childhood that I am still in touch with.
My First Boyfriend
I was 15, he was 28. I was an attractive girl and knew it so had one of the "cool" boyfriends who was older, had money, had a car.... He was the one who took my virginity. He was the one who told me "you know what all the cool girls do? they let their boyfriends handcuff them for sex". He was the one who was surprised when i said "cool". He was the one who started my full on sexual adventure of sex, bondage, fucking, submission.
At 16 I won a modelling competition in a local newspaper and came 3rd in one with a national paper. I got a modelling contract. And very gladly that allowed me to escape from education - lets just say I am not the most academic person!
Understanding BDSM is about more than just sex
I was a lucky girl. At 16 I had a modelling contract. At 18 i went to work in Japan modelling. I was not stupid but not bright. I was earning more than all my school friends and travelling across the world when most of them had been no further than Costa del Sol. I was happy.
I met Chen when i was 18 and modelling in Tokyo, he was a professional photographer working on a shoot I was doing with a local department store, we got on really well, went out for a few drinks, and had sex that very night in my hotel room. He was only the 6th man i had had sex with. Over the coming weeks we saw each other all the time, and on my first visit to his home he was cooking and I wandered into his study and saw his shibari photos on the wall. They were beautiful women in beautiful bondage.
I had never really seen anything like it before and was fascinated - he was a little embarrassed as they were hung in a room he had not expected me to go into. But he was excited when he saw how much i liked them so we talked lots about bondage then. I told him what I had done with boyfriends (handcuffs, scarves, ropes etc) and told him things I had told no-one else about my past, my thoughts, and my secrets.
I had never been so open with anyone in my life. In turn he told me about his experiences - fetish parties, bondage being more than just sex, how he liked to treat women but how this could be good for a woman also. Things went on from there, we fell in love, experimented with bondage and submission and got deeper and deeper into it - i would still work and live a life as normal but often be naked at home, i would be tied just for show rather than for sex. He would sometimes spank me hard and make me do chores. I loved him and loved being with him.
BDSM became the predominant part of our sex life even before we married which we did when i was 19. 6 months later for Chen's 35th birthday I asked him what he would like for a present, and that was, effectively, the day my life changed and I started to understand the difference between a fetish and a lifestyle. He said he would like to take the relationship to the next level and try TPE and a 24x7 relationship
I wasnt entirely sure but I agreed to give it a go, and we signed a contract agreeing that I would be "his" for a period of time...
I hadnt really realised how intense this would be. There were chains and nudity, confinement and humiliation, training and punishment. It was more than sex. It was more than service. It was trying a new lifestlye and way of being. I won't lie - i found it incredibly hard. I had doubts. There were times I despised and hated it. There were times I loved it. I loved how happy it made Chen. At times it was so erotically charged I felt I would explode. At others I doubted why i had ever agreed to it. It was a roller coaster for sure.... The strangest realisation came to me after a few weeks tho. And this may seem strange and odd to some people...
At times I had never felt so free.... I have always been a bit useless and relied on others. I suffered from depression and bad moods quite easily. And that was normally when there were problems in my life I did not know how to handle, cope with, address or tackle. The freedom i found was simple - I didn't have to make decisions about anything. That release from responsibility was quite enlightening and refreshing...
I had never experienced anything like it. I was kept permanently naked and tied, i was not allowed to speak without being spoken to, not allowed to look him in the eyes, rarely allowed to sleep in a bed, did all the house chores and often had to eat from a plate on the floor. I am sure there is more to tell.... But I am not sure what should remain private, and I think much of it should.... I am just keen to share my experience and thoughts with others....
It may help some people in similar positions to me.
It may raise questions about my life that you have.
It may puzzle or enlighten.
I am keen to know what people think...
H x
Saturday 27 March 2010
My nature?
I never knew who my father was and to this day I still do not know. My mother died when I was 8 of breast cancer and I went to live with her brother and sister in law.
I was seen as a shy but normal child. Quiet, pleasant. Not stupid. Not bright. Often stuck in my own thoughts and ways.
In hindsight my nature is obvious. As a primary school girl i had a history book on the Romans. It was illustrated with pictures and drawings and I constantly found myself drawn to a number of these. There were female slaves with collars chained together, and a slave tied spreadeagled to stakes in the ground. Of course my feelings were not sexual to any degree. But I was fascinated by these images. I wanted to be one of those girls. I even invented a game that I would play with myself.
I got four dice (I know I should say di but it sounds plain wrong).
The first would be rolled and that would decide how many clothes I had to wear from fully dressed to nude.
The second would decide where I should be from in my bed, or wardrobe, to in the woods or garage
The third would be how i would have to position myself from standing, kneeling or lying down (1, 2, 3) to having my bike lock wrapped around my feel (4), wrists self tied with dressing gown cord (5) or ankles and wrists as before (6)
The final dice would show how long I had to stay like that - from 10 mins to 60 mins.
I repeat none of this was sexual, I was only 10 years old. It was just what I did.
In hindsight it's obvious. My nature was to submit and give up control. And I
was doing this by way of submitted to the chance of 4 dice. This is how i discovered by nature...
I was seen as a shy but normal child. Quiet, pleasant. Not stupid. Not bright. Often stuck in my own thoughts and ways.
In hindsight my nature is obvious. As a primary school girl i had a history book on the Romans. It was illustrated with pictures and drawings and I constantly found myself drawn to a number of these. There were female slaves with collars chained together, and a slave tied spreadeagled to stakes in the ground. Of course my feelings were not sexual to any degree. But I was fascinated by these images. I wanted to be one of those girls. I even invented a game that I would play with myself.
I got four dice (I know I should say di but it sounds plain wrong).
The first would be rolled and that would decide how many clothes I had to wear from fully dressed to nude.
The second would decide where I should be from in my bed, or wardrobe, to in the woods or garage
The third would be how i would have to position myself from standing, kneeling or lying down (1, 2, 3) to having my bike lock wrapped around my feel (4), wrists self tied with dressing gown cord (5) or ankles and wrists as before (6)
The final dice would show how long I had to stay like that - from 10 mins to 60 mins.
I repeat none of this was sexual, I was only 10 years old. It was just what I did.
In hindsight it's obvious. My nature was to submit and give up control. And I
was doing this by way of submitted to the chance of 4 dice. This is how i discovered by nature...
Friday 26 March 2010
My first blog.....
I guess I should start by telling people a little about me! But, well, seeing as I am not sure if anyone will even read this blog I think I will start with a short one... And what better place to start, than by introducing myself!
Key Facts:
Name: "Harriet R"
Age: 37 (dob 01/11/72)
Hair: Brunette, shoulder length
Eye: Dark brown
Dress: 8 (UK)
Shoes: 5 (UK)
Stats: 34C - 25 - 33
Born: York England
School: The Mount, York
Quals: 6 GCSEs A-C
As i said, my name is Harriet, that's not my real name, but for now it will do.... Simply put, I am a slave by nature and by nuture. I have come to accept that as fact, and to not be ashamed of it. If you have come here it is because we are friends, acquaintances or you are simply interested in learning more about me.
I don't want to bore you, but am guessing that some may be interested in my life, experiences, and how I came to be where I am today. I will start with a belief that is not very acceptable these days but which, nonetheless, I hold to be true. Women are physically, mentally, and psychologically inferior to men and are designed to be that way.
I honestly believe we are on this planet to be submissive to men and can only truly be free and indeed happy in life if we give into that understanding.... But I do also believe there is nothing wrong with modern society as some do, some who would see all advances thrown away for a return to the dark ages. Submission is something I believe a woman is born with. Its nature.
But nurture does play an important part, and many women, as a result of this, never truly understand their submissive side due to the societal influences that shape their youth. And many of them are happy like this. I could not be.
I was different from my youth. But I never really understood that until my 20s. My nature of course is submissive. My nurture also exposed that and brought it to the fore.... If anyone is interested, I may tell you some more about that....
Key Facts:
Name: "Harriet R"
Age: 37 (dob 01/11/72)
Hair: Brunette, shoulder length
Eye: Dark brown
Dress: 8 (UK)
Shoes: 5 (UK)
Stats: 34C - 25 - 33
Born: York England
School: The Mount, York
Quals: 6 GCSEs A-C
As i said, my name is Harriet, that's not my real name, but for now it will do.... Simply put, I am a slave by nature and by nuture. I have come to accept that as fact, and to not be ashamed of it. If you have come here it is because we are friends, acquaintances or you are simply interested in learning more about me.
I don't want to bore you, but am guessing that some may be interested in my life, experiences, and how I came to be where I am today. I will start with a belief that is not very acceptable these days but which, nonetheless, I hold to be true. Women are physically, mentally, and psychologically inferior to men and are designed to be that way.
I honestly believe we are on this planet to be submissive to men and can only truly be free and indeed happy in life if we give into that understanding.... But I do also believe there is nothing wrong with modern society as some do, some who would see all advances thrown away for a return to the dark ages. Submission is something I believe a woman is born with. Its nature.
But nurture does play an important part, and many women, as a result of this, never truly understand their submissive side due to the societal influences that shape their youth. And many of them are happy like this. I could not be.
I was different from my youth. But I never really understood that until my 20s. My nature of course is submissive. My nurture also exposed that and brought it to the fore.... If anyone is interested, I may tell you some more about that....
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